Page 21 - MidWeek - Jan 5, 2022

The question to ask is, “Can I afford to ask out the hot lady from hot yoga?” Tempting as it is to overdramatize, drill down to the actual worst-case scenarios. For example, would getting a “Thanks, but I’m not ready to date” from the lady really trigger the giant zombie jellyfish apocalypse — or the rather mundane urge to tem- porarily relocate your mat to the other side of the room?
There’s a remedy for this should asking her out go bad- ly: preplanning to keep your cool — to act like the guy you were before you hit on her. In practice, how hard might that be? You’re probably inviting her to join you for “a coffee” after class, which few of us immediately recognize as code for “a midmorning orgy in my sex dungeon.”
Unfortunately, avoiding the impulse to act on our emotions is hard work. Psy- chologists Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky explain that emotions are “fast”: popping up automatically and motivating us to act. Rational thought, however, is “slow” (and, frankly, lazy). We have
Consider that the “job” in online dating is not getting someone to like you but see- ing whether you like them enough to take it beyond the small screen. As an experi- ment, you might put your im- pulse to reply on a strict diet: One message from a guy. One reply from you. Period. As a perhaps helpful model, try to come off like a rare vintage fine wine — that is, hard to get — as opposed to red wine spilled across a white shag carpet (impossible to get rid of ... save for a willingness to broaden one’s stain removal methods to include arson).
Consider that awkwardness
On dating apps, guys who message me always end up losing interest. My friend thinks my repeatedly re-
Admittedly, anger is an
JANUARY 5, 2022 MIDWEEK 21
There is a woman in my yoga class I’d like to ask out. Though she’s friendly to me, I wor- ry that this could lead to awkwardness in class if she rejects me or if we date but things go poorly. I have a two-year relationship with this class — much longer than my fantasy relationship with her. What should I do? Grow a spine and go for it regardless of the eventual consequences, or fish in a different pond? – Stuck
Spines are not to be grown promiscuously. In other words, there’s no one- size-fits-all answer to your question. Unlike 7-Elevens,
Spineless And Stuck In A Downward Doghouse
people vary wildly. Individ- uals have individual levels of “risk tolerance” (or what risk intelligence specialist Dylan Evans calls “risk appetite”): their ability to bear potential losses, should their initiative go toiletward.
between people — some big uncomfortable something hanging in the air — usually stems from somebody acting all weirded out.
plying before the guy writes back is the problem. I’m an enthusiastic person. What’s the problem with showing that honestly? – Authentic Woman
Most of us bring an im- portant understanding to our workplace: The fact that we have a feeling is not reason to let it give us marching or- ders. That’s why, when our idiot boss makes us stay late to complete a “super import- ant assignment” (busywork no one will ever look at), we say, “Sure thing!” — and only pic- ture ourselves attaching bat- tery cables to his nipples at a CIA black site.
obvious target for emotion- al restraint. But enthusiasm, while praised on elementary school report cards, should not be flung around like bird- seed. Chances are your storm of messages — a monologue in the space for a conversation — sends the wrong messages about you, such as: “desper- ate” and “has the social skills of a 5-year-old.”
to yank it out of bed and feed it a bunch of mental energy to make it do its job.
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