Page 36 - MidWeek - Dec 1, 2021

36 MIDWEEK DECEMBER 1, 2021
I ’m a divorced guy in my 40s using dating apps. I’m keenly aware of
THE SCIENCE ADVICE GODDESS Amy Alkon
Barking Up The Wrong Tree On Dating Apps
Most problematically, this remark and other similarly cutting ones in your profile suggest you’re an angry guy: a big flashing skull-‘n’-cross- bones “STEER CLEAR!” for women. “Anger-prone individ- uals are volatile and frequently dangerous” — to the point of violence, evolutionary social psychologist Andrew Galper- in and his colleagues explain. Women, on average, are small- er, physically weaker and thus more physically vulnerable than men, which is likely why they err on the side of over-per- ceiving signs that a guy might be a Mr. Angry.
what I do and don’t want in a woman, and make it clear in my profile. For example, I write, “If you’re in a weird co-dependent relationship with a 5-pound dog,” we are not a match. A friend looked at my profile and was all, “Man, you have to delete that.” I see no prob- lem with what I’ve written. Who’s right? – Constructive Honesty
black Lab, not a purse-sized poodledoodle that spends a quarter of its life getting foofed up at Monsieur Marcel, the doggie hairdresser.
“co-dependent” is another red flag, suggesting you view life through puke-colored glasses and are quick to think the worst of total strangers. That’s Big- otry 101: using one bit of info about an individual to leap to all sorts of ugly assumptions about them. If it’s your go-to thinking, perhaps something to work on changing, lest you pay an unintended price (both in an ugly-first view of others and in others seeing you as a person to block, delete and/or avoid).
hour date that flies by like a week of medieval torture). However, there’s a way to tell the wrong women, “Yoohoo, move on!” without coming off scolding or demeaning (and in turn throwing out the babes with the bathwater).
are committed to “steak-based living,” you know to give a big sad pass to Mr. Pirates of the Cauliflower-ribbean.
Admittedly, when people advise women, “Find a man who’s like a dog!” they mean like a big loyal-to-the-death
Of course, because a wom- an has a tiny ridiculous dog doesn’t mean she’s rife with psychological shortcomings. Including that bit in your pro- file — and especially as you worded it — says a few things about you, none of them la- dy-magnetizing. And sure, you wrote, “IF you are ...”. However, even women who are emotionally together (and maybe even dog-free) are like- ly to swipe left or knock your profile into the little trash can icon.
Your sneering about be- havior being “weird” and
That said, you’re wise to try to proactively shoo off women who are wrong for you, as it could keep you from wasting your time and theirs on the phone (or worse, on a happy
Probably the best con- structive “yoohoo” is subtle fact-stating, like mentioning you’re an atheist to discourage interest from those on Team God. Similarly, in the “who am I?” portion on a dating app, a 40-something, Johnny Depp-alicious hottie of a guy posted, “Living a plant-based life,” suggesting he doesn’t just eat vegan; it’s major in his identity. If, like me, you
Ultimately, you might sim- ply accept that you’ll likely end up on a date or two with wom- en you’d do anything to avoid. Keep first dates casual, like meeting for coffee for an hour, and your disasters will at least be Hobbesian: nasty, brutish and short. Finally, I must say, while typing this with my tiny, My Little Pony-like Chinese crested curled up asleep in my lap, five pounds of dog may elicit laughs — till it’s clean- up time and you need a single sheet of Kleenex instead of a backhoe.
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