Page 32 - MidWeek - Nov 17, 2021

32 MIDWEEK NOVEMBER 17, 2021
My husband died of a heart attack at age 75. On his phone, I saw several unset- tling texts from younger women, alluding to im- proper liaisons and asking for money. We often helped needy families, but I’ m sus- pecting these women tempt- ed and took advantage of a kind, caring old man, or he turned into a dirty old man (looking for something more exciting than his wife). Before his death, he started viewing pornography on- line and seemed not quite himself. Could this appar- ent change in personality point to dementia? Finding
THE SCIENCE ADVICE GODDESS Amy Alkon
Sexting, Lies And Some Peace Of Mind
these texts has turned my grieving upside down. I’m often angry with him for possibly cheating on me. I’m not sure how to put this to rest in my mind. – Per- plexed Widow
Sadly, elderly men are of- ten easy prey for young scam- stresses. These women sexu- ally tempt or even just flatter an old man out of his money — all, “You remind me of that dude from Star Wars!” — making him think of himself as a young, hot Harrison Ford (when the “dude” he actually resembles is Yoda).
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I’m so sorry — both about the death of your husband and
First, it is possible your husband’s apparent behavioral changes were due to dementia. Dementia is not technically a disease but an umbrella term for “a decline in men- tal ability severe enough to interfere with daily life” (per the Alzheimer’s Association). Symptoms include personality changes, memory issues and impaired reasoning. “Alz- heimer’s disease is the most common cause of dementia,
Dementia messes with the functioning of the brain’s “prefrontal cortex” (PFC), the section just behind your fore- head. If you think of your body as a factory and your behavior as the workers, the PFC is the executive boardroom of you: in charge of planning, prioritiz- ing, remembering, reasoning and “inhibitory control” (pro- fessor-ese for resisting temp- tation). That last one, when the PFC’s cells are in healthy working order, keeps us from just giving in to whatever im- pulse — sexual, gluttonous, vi- olent or just rude — flies into our head.
Uncertainty — ambiguous situations, partially answered questions and other forms of mental untidiness — fill us with anxiety and dread. This makes evolutionary sense, survival sense, because want- ing these uncomfortable feel-
However, our brain has a feature (that’s also a bug!): a psychological mechanism in the left hemisphere — named “the interpreter” by cognitive neuroscientist Michael Gazza- niga — that works like mental grout. When we’re wading through ambiguities or spot inconsistencies in our behav- ior (or others’), the interpret- er creates stories to fill in the blanks: stories that make us feel comforted, consistent and smart. Conveniently, no soon-
the apparent death of what you believed about him and your marriage. But I’ m hop- ing my frank exploration of what you do and don’t know will help you make your way to peace of mind.
accounting for 60%-80% of dementia cases.”
But let’s back up a sec. You don’t know whether your hus- band had dementia, as he was never diagnosed. Sure, you’ve pulled together disturbing fragments of information, and they’ re pointing you toward a conclusion. But you can’t know whether your conclusion is correct — though I’m guess- ing you strongly suspect it is, because that’s how our minds evolved to work.
ings gone motivates us to try to get answers and information. Knowledge we acquire (of pos- sible lurking harms) really is power: power to take meaning- ful steps to protect ourselves.
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