Page 29 - MidWeek - Aug 18 2021

AUGUST 18, 2021 MIDWEEK 29
Aclose friend and I spend a lot of time discussing her is- sues with her boyfriend. I’m always there for her, even late at night when she’s upset about something. However, when I bring up someone I’m interested in, she’ll cut me off or say she just can’ t listen to me talk about the guy. Is it petty to feel hurt and to expect more from her? — Disturbed
THE SCIENCE ADVICE GODDESS Amy Alkon A Friend Or Taker?
Friendship isn’t always 50/50, and it’s important to identify when a good friend is temporarily unable to act like one because they’re going through a rough patch.
This sort of “friend” can be hard to identify because we want to believe their friendship is based on more than seeing us as an easy mark.
Now, maybe she’s just a selfish taker and things will
This isn’t to say we lack the psychological tools to identify and deal appropri- ately with users posing as friends. As humans began living in groups, we evolved to have a social “loss pre- vention team” — the psy- chological version of the squad department stores have to catch crafty shop- pers who get nine months pregnant in a matter of min- utes, uh, with 26 designer dresses.
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that rise up when we’ re giv- ing and giving and being shafted by somebody who’s all take.
never be right. Then again, you could explain that you feel shorted and give her a chance to right the balance. Even good people some- times act like crap people. AsIseeit,onejobofareal friend is to put us on notice when we’re falling short. This gives us the chance to make the requisite sac- rifices to be a good friend to them — like by dragging our emotional immaturity out back and slaughtering it like a goat on a stone altar (uh, the condo patio).
There are friends you can count on — and friends you can count on to fake their own kidnapping the moment you are the slightest bit in need.
That said, friendship isn’t always 50/50, and it’s im- portant to identify when a good friend is temporarily unable to act like one be- cause they’ re going through a rough patch. Unless that’s the case here, your emotions are telling you the balance of give and take between you is just not right.
Pinto Bean is a 9-month-old male orange tabby with gorgeous dark, amber eyes. He is shy at first but will warm up quickly to a family that promises to give him plenty of attention and socialization, while also providing the space he’ll need to get familiar with his new surroundings. He loves to chase around feather toys and still has plenty of kitten energy. Once he gets used to his new home, you can expect a
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If you are interested in adopting Pinto Bean, visit hawaiianhumane.org/adoptions.
At the moment, Hawaiian Humane Society has many cats and kittens looking for homes. Check out hawaiianhumane.org to see all available animals, programs and services.
Our minds are tuned for “cheater detection,” to no- tice sneaky nonreciproca- tors — people who inten- tionally take more than they give — explain evolutionary psychologists Leda Cos- mides and John Tooby. The police force of our cheater detection system is our emo- tions: anger, resentment and other gloom-eristic feelings
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