Page 28 - MidWeek - Aug 18 2021

28 MIDWEEK AUGUST 18, 2021
A s a rule, I avoid get- ting into a war of words with my fel- low columnists. Those of us who have taken up this calling have enough burdens to bear, what with pitiful pay, weak- kneed editors and a reading public unable to grasp our intellectual and moral supe-
PATERNITY WARD D. L. Stewart
A Lunchtime Miracle That Mom Knew Best
“Mayonnaise is — it must
• And most inarguable of all, tuna salad was made with
be — another nonnegotiable, with the abomination that is Miracle Whip beneath con- sideration.”
good traditional recipes. The way she makes tuna salad, she wrote, includes something called Kewpie mayo, mus- tard, capers, snipped chives and grated Parmesan. It’s hard to take seriously a tuna salad recipe that includes grated Parmesan.
In a fractured nation that can’t agree on who won the election and whether to get vaccinated, the last thing we need is that kind inflammato- ry writing.
It’s also possible that Seattle column was intended as a satire, mocking the way food snobs have gone to great lengths to come up with all sorts of ways to ruin perfectly good traditional recipes.
riority.
But a newspaper food col-
Abomination? Beneath consideration? How dare she question the lessons my moth- er taught me? Mom wasn’t a great — or enthusiastic — cook. But she passed down certain absolute truths about food. Verities beyond chal- lenge.
diced celery and Miracle Whip.
French’s, which was the only mustard. It’s possible my mom didn’t even know there were other mayos.
But, not content to stoke the fires of condiment conflict, she goes on to raise other disputes. Should it contain pickles? Rel- ish? Onions? Hard-cooked eggs? Served on soft bread or toasted? Is it a “tuna salad sandwich,” “tuna fish sand- wich” or “tuna sandwich?” Which inevitably leads to ar- guments over “toasted cheese” or “grilled cheese.”
It’s not that there’s anything inherently wrong with other mayos. It’s a perfectly accept- able condiment to smear on your bologna sandwich, BLT or bagel. In our refrigerator, for instance, both Miracle Whip and other mayos coexist peacefully; my wife prefers the other mayo when she makes tuna salad for herself.
umnist in Seattle has gone too far. She has attacked my moth- er’s memory.
• Asparagus only came in cans and was supposed to be limp, slimy and virtually in- edible.
I’m not sure what’s in Mir- acle Whip and maybe that’s just as well. What I do know, though, is that throughout my childhood Miracle Whip was the only mayo admitted into our family’s refrigerator. It proudly stood right next to
In a syndicated column that appeared recently in many newspapers about the proper way to make tuna salad, she wrote:
• Wonder Bread builds strong bodies eight ways.
It’s also possible that Se- attle column was intended as a satire, mocking the way food snobs have gone to great lengths to come up with all sorts of ways to ruin perfectly
But if she ever tries to slip anything but Miracle Whip into mine, I’m definitely going to raise hell, man.
CURRENT AND NEW COLLEGE STUDENTS
BUILD CREDIT WHILE BUILDING YOUR FUTURE!
0EXCLUSIVE Introductory rate of
%APR
On all retail purchase FOR FIRST
6 MONTHS*
Credit limit up to
$2,500
APPLY
TODAY!
Online or In-Branch
Offffer valid 7/5/21 - 9/30/21
*0% introductory APR for 6 months after the first qualifying transaction. A qualifying transaction must be done within 180 days from account opening. After the introductory period ends, the standard purchase APR will be applied to unpaid promotional balances. The standard variable APR for purchases will be a fixed rate of 12.9%. Parent must co-sign if student is unable to qualify on their own. Membership with Ko‘olau FCU is required and open to all O‘ahu residents. Promotion period July 15, 2021– September 30, 2021. Federally insured by NCUA
FREE GRAB BAR
With purchase of tub conversion. Must present coupon. Some restrictions apply. Promotional deal must be ordered before the start of any job. Exp. 8/31/21
1 DAYWalk-in Shower Conversion
K-12 PROGRAMS
Assets School affirms, celebrates and teaches Gifted Students Creative Minds Students with Learning Differences Self Advocacy
Walk-thru Tub Conversion Process
MAKE A
4.0%
*Annual Percentage Rate. As low as APR is for a one-year (12 months) term. Minimum loan amount of $3,600.00; maximum loan amount $15,000.00. Your actual APR will be based on your creditworthiness and term and may be higher. Terms up to 84 months. Payment example: A loan of $1,000 with a 4.00% APR will have 12 monthly P&I payments of $86.00, which includes $22.28 in interest. Refinancing of existing Ko’olau FCU loans is not allowed. Membership with Ko’olau FCU is required and open to all O‘ahu residents. Promotion period July 01, 2021—September 30, 2021 Federally insured by NCUA.
RATES AS LOW AS
WITH A SUMMER LOAN!
APR
*
• Modify existing • Save 75% VS. tubs for easy access a full renovation
Grab bar installed for safety
Seamless & color matched for a factory like look
Low 4" step-over height
TO LEARN MORE AND APPLY ONLINE
visit assets-school.org
OFFERING ROLLING ADMISSIONS
(
(
(
8
8
808) 468-8000