Page 32 - MidWeek - June 9, 2021

32 MIDWEEK JUNE 9, 2021
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Last year, I broke up with the man I was engaged to and loved deeply. I’ d found out he was cheating on me con- stantly with many different women throughout our re- lationship. My life has gone on, but I often think of what he did to me and feel incred- ible anger. I’d like to forgive him, but I’ m not sure how to do that when these feel- ings pop up. —Stuck
THE SCIENCE ADVICE GODDESS Amy Alkon Stuck On A Repeat Offender
and it’s by turning this into a learning experience.
For a man, agreeing to go exclusive is a bit like wedding vows lite, as posed to the man’s penis: “Do you swear off sex with all the other ladies for- ever?” Penis: “Frankly, that sounds a little grim.”
and his colleagues asked Nor- wegian men and women the number of sex partners they’d want over a 30-year period. Women, on average, wanted about five sex partners. Men? About 25!
Be accountable for the part you played in what happened — not because, “Yay, blame the victim!” — but because it’s the part you can control.
Being honest about what you could — and should — have done differently can become your guide for what you will do differently with the next guy around. A man can give you the sense he has a moral compass, but it’s best you give it a hard look to see it isn’t cracked and dusty from constantly being dropped in other women’s bedrooms.
Men evolved to have the hots for sexual variety — ca- sual sex with a slew-apalooza of different partners — to a de- gree women do not. (An ances- tral woman could get pregnant and stuck with a kid to raise after a single hookup with some rando, while the more randos Grok had sex with, the more likely he was to pass on his genes.)
Still, many men eventually tire of the swipe-right hussy of the night lifestyle and start feeling ready for a relation- ship.
It’s hard to move on emo- tionally when you not only have a grudge but also take it everywhere with you like a cockroach on a yarn leash.
I’ve been dating a guy for three months, and I’d like us to be exclusive, but I don’ t know how to go about ad- dressing it. I’m worried that if I say I need him to commit, he’ll bolt. —Quandary
Feminist scholars contend that “patriarchal” culture, not evolution, leads to men’s great- er preference for the sexual va- riety pack, but it even shows up in “gender-egalitarian” Nor- way. Evolutionary scientist Leif Edward Ottesen Kennair
Give yourself a (silent) deadline so you won’t be waiting around forever, and then ask him how he sees things going forward: what he’s looking for, what works for him. The conversation it- self should give him the sense that you might be headed for the door if he doesn’t boy- friend up. Wanting to be with you might motivate him to make the necessary sexual trade-off, which is ultimately a pretty big deal for a dude.
This isn’t to say you should forgive the guy. There’s this as- sumption that forgiving some- one who’s wronged you is the healthy, constructive thing to do — and, sure, it can be. Evolutionary social psychol- ogist Michael McCullough defines forgiveness as “an in- ternal process of getting over your ill will for an offender.” He explains that forgiveness is “adaptive” when there’s a valuable relationship at stake; when you’d benefit from con- tinuing contact with the perp (and it seems unlikely he’ll be a repeat offender).
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But you aren’t looking to re- up with the guy! And you prob- ably have zero indication he’s changed anything, aside from which woman he’s two-timing. What you’re really seeking is peace of mind. Consider that anger, like forgiveness, can be functional. The anger you still have probably remains for a reason: a warning sign that you’re in danger of being cheated on again. But there’s a way to shut off that alert and protect yourself in the future,