Page 24 - MidWeek - Sep 15 2021

22 MIDWEEK SEPTEMBER 15, 2021
I’maguyinmy30s. I thought I’d found the love of my life. We had an incredible first few dates. We were so in sync we didn’t even need words to communicate. However, as we’ ve spent more time together, things about her are really starting to both- er me — especially how she has no interest in the news or the world beyond herself and mostly wants to gossip about her friends and celebrities. How could I have been so wrong about her being The One? – Disturbed
THE SCIENCE ADVICE GODDESS Amy Alkon When Hurry Met Sally
I had this amazing chemistry with a guy I met at a wedding. Then he ca- sually dropped that he’s in a new relationship of about six months. A mutual friend told me the guy isn’t too happy with the woman and feels he’s “settling.” The guy’s been texting me in what seems to be a purely friendly way. Still, if I were his girlfriend, I’d be pretty upset. – Confused About His Intentions
Say your car skids off the road in North Nowhere and you wake up trapped in the driver’s seat with zero bars on your phone. You’d probably trade your house, your car and your favorite grandma for some emergency eats in the glove box — even the remains of a granola bar that looks to have been pur- chased just before the Lewis and Clark expedition.
There’s fairy tale romance, and then there’s fairy tale ro- mance that’s gotten into a fender-bender with reality: “I will love you forever — uh, or until I learn your interest in international affairs is lim- ited to the relationship sta- tus of the Queen’s beefcake great-nephew, aka ‘His Royal Handsome.’”
When you’re first dating someone, being mindful of how prone we are to leap to “you’ re so amazeballs!” (“just like me!”) is the best defense against sliding from the initial seeing into believ- ing. To speed your weed- ing-out process, you might come up with a mental list — your bottom-line must-haves in a partner.
This guy you met might be figuring out whether to give no- tice in his current relationship, or, if that’ll be in the pipeline, figur- ing out how. Consider the poten- tial risks of texting with him: get- ting emotionally entwined with someone who might remain unavailable and suggesting you need to take whatever romantic scraps you’re given.
We start to see evidence of “dissimilarity” — ways they aren’t like us — and it has a “cascading” effect. New in- formation we discover about them “is more likely to be in- terpreted as further evidence of dissimilarity, leading to decreased liking.”
Well, humans seem to have evolved to be romantic dooms- day preppers: ready for any sudden famine in the partner de- partment. At the moment, you seem to fall into the category of “backup mate” for this guy, though maybe just because he’s inconveniently still attached to somebody else.
Use this to ask questions (and also observe) to see whether a woman’s ticking all the essential boxes: “You had me at knowing your Kim Jong-il from your Kim Kar- dashian.”
If you prefer to opt out of these risks, you could tell him you hope to hear from him again but that you’re a woman with stan- dards: “Call me when you’ve lost weight — 125 pounds of excess girlfriend.”
Contrary to that schmaltzo saying, “to know someone is to love them,” to know some- one is to be increasingly an- noyed by them. This is hard to imagine if we have an instant connection.
Psychologist Michael Nor- ton and his colleagues explain that when we like someone we’ve just met, we tend to notice all the ways they seem similar to us, which leads to our liking them more. We then assume getting to know them even better will keep our liking of them on the up- swing.
In fact, peeling the info onion generally leads to our liking a person a whole lot less, explain the researchers.
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