Page 28 - MidWeek - July 28, 2021

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C all me old-fashioned, but I find humility attractive, and I’m disturbed by the lack of it in a guy I’ve been dating. He seems to need to keep telling me how desirable he is, like by mentioning he dated some Instagram model and say- ing, “I’ m used to being the smartest guy in the room,” when he initially lied about going to a top-tier university and had actually failed out of community college. I find his lack of humility to be a big turnoff, but my friends keep telling me not to be stupid: He’s a sweet, considerate good guy, who seems to love
me. —Disturbed
Raja is a lovable guy who likes to cuddle and sit in high places. His piercing blue eyes and unforgettable personality will mystify you. Raja is 3 years old and looking for a person he
THE SCIENCE ADVICE GODDESS Amy Alkon Reassuring An Insecure Beau
The guy probably figures there’s a reasonable explana- tion for why you’re with him. Though you’re getting icked out by what you see as a lack of humility, consider the sorts of things that require his type of hard sell. Though humil- ity has become a hot topic of study, an evidence-based definition of humility re- mained elusive. Researchers have merely described the ways humble people tend to think and behave. For ex- ample, according to clinical psychologist June Tangney, humble people have an accu- rate view of themselves (“not an underassessment,” but a re- alistic one). They’re willing to
can hang around with when he is not busy napping. He is FIV+ and will need to be kept indoors. FIV is not contagious to humans, and FIV+ cats can lead normal, healthy lives.
If you want to adopt Raja, check out hawaiianhumane.org/ adoptions for more information. Don’t worry if Raja has already
acknowledge mistakes, gaps in their knowledge and their limitations.
ments as a reason he should be treated specially “overall, as a person,” Leary explains.
Hoping to drill down to a definition, psychologist Mark Leary and his grad student, Chloe Banker, ran two stud- ies. Their findings support his hypothesis on how humility should be defined: “Humility is characterized by the belief that, no matter how great one’s accomplishments or positive characteristics,” they don’t entitle one to special treatment.
This brief tour of the re- search on humility should tell you that the problem with your man probably isn’t a lack of it. Chances are insecurity is the actual issue: his feeling not enough for you or, more problematically, being not enough for you.
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Say there’s a famous actor with more Oscars than he has cousins. If humility is one of his character traits, he won’t see his acting accomplish-
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There’s a term, “positive assortative mating,” describ- ing similar individuals being drawn to each other. Say a woman’s what we call a “10” — gorgeous and also kind, in- telligent and charismatic (ba- sically, a major catch). The 10 and a man who’s a 9.5 (or even an 8) have a chance of making it as partners, but a 10 and a 6 likely have poor prospects.
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But say you’re a 9 and the guy simply feels like a 5 — but is really an, oh, 8.7, or even a 9.5. If that’s the case, you can help him bridge the gap be- tween who he is and how he feels. Research on the “depen- dency paradox” by psycholo- gist Brooke Feeney suggests that in a relationship, when the more emotionally secure partner shows their insecure partner a lot of affection — like through frequent texts, touch and conversation — it allows the insecure partner to relax and stop clinging.
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Feeney’s research is about loving dependence leading to independence, meaning it doesn’t directly apply to your situation. Chances are you’ll eventually have to (gently) tell the guy there’s no need for this, lest he keep working overtime to dazzle you out of noticing that the pet name that suits him best is probably “sinkhole.”
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RAJA
PHOTO COURTESY HAWAIIAN HUMANE SOCIETY