Page 25 - MidWeek - June 30, 2021

I’mamaninmy30s, and I’ m looking to set- tle down and start a family. I was falling in love with the woman I’ ve been seeing for six months, who seems lovely, intelligent and kind. Recently, I arrived at her place early and over- heard her arguing with her mother on the phone. She was yelling, swearing and being very nasty. I’m close to my parents and can’ t conceive of speaking to them this way. She never mentions her parents, be- yond saying she isn’ t close with her mother. She’s only been sweet and doting to me, and she seems well liked by her friends and co-work- ers. Could she have hidden anger issues? – Shocked
THE SCIENCE ADVICE GODDESS
Amy Alkon
They Blow Up So Fast
When Tabula first came to Hawaiian Humane Society, he was terrified. However, after some loving attention and plenty of food, he warmed up to people and became an outgoing cat. Before, he would hiss at strangers, and now he meows adorably to get their attention. Tabula is looking for a home with adults and no small children (though older teens are OK). Otherwise, he is very tolerant and warm once adjusted to his new environment.
If you are interested in adopting this lovable guy, visit hawaiianhumane.org/ adoptions to book an adoption appointment. Hawaiian Humane Society’s website also features many other great animals looking for homes. You can also find all the current programs and services that the nonprofit offers and more at hawaiianhumane. org.
VISIT HAWAIIANHUMANE.ORG
of profanities at Mom). Our emotions, including so-called negative emotions like anger, are our protectors: motivating us to act in ways that make us more likely to survive, mate and pass on our genes. For example, anger surges in us when we perceive that anoth- er person is treating us unfair- ly, and shorting us on what we feel entitled to.
dy person who’s managed to hide her true nature. That seems unlikely, given how the chronically angry tend to see a sick plot against them if the diner gives them three less raisins on their oatmeal than the guy at the next table.
Anger seems to function as a bargaining tool to in- centivize better treatment, explains evolutionary psy- chologist Aaron Sell and his colleagues. “Acts or signals of anger” communicate that unless the other person mends their unfair ways, we might “inflict costs” (maybe go all screaming maniac on them) or “withdraw benefits” (pos- sibly exile them from our cir- cle of friends). This suggests it might be in their interest to “recalibrate” their behavior in our favor: stop being so disre- spectful and stingy.
You’re shocked, partly because you wouldn’t talk to your parents this way. Con- sider the possibility that your girlfriend has a different sort of parent: unloving and toxic. And consider a reason people jack up the volume and ug- liness: They repeatedly per- ceive they aren’t being heard. (This is especially painful if you’ re speaking to your par- ent and they have a history of being physically present but emotionally vacant.)
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“Till death do us part” tends to come earlier than ex- pected if your wife’s idea of marital compromise is either you say, “Yes, Dear” or she garrotes you with the wire on a cat toy.
People with this disposi- tion have “a short fuse,” fly- ing into a rage at the slightest provocation, explains evolu- tionary social psychology re- searcher Julie Fitness. They see the world and others in narrow terms — “right” or “wrong” — and are griev- ance hunters, ever on the lookout for “apparent injus- tice.” They are quick to lash out and blame others when things don’t go perfectly, and in relationships, they create a “climate of fear and loathing, with anger or the threat of it serving to intimidate and con- trol” their partner.
If your girlfriend feels like an unloved daughter (or some shade of that), she might be ashamed of it and see it as something to hide. She might suspect there was something wrong with her, unlovable about her.
It’s understandable you’re worried there’s a rage-filled, profanity-spewing lady monster just under the sweet girlfriend veneer. However, because someone expresses anger in an ugly way at an- other person doesn’t neces- sarily mean: one, they are out of control; or two, they will express themselves this way with everyone. (To be fair, it can mean one or both of these things.)
To encourage your girl- friend to open up to you, ask about her mom in a way that suggests she should redirect any shame she might be feel- ing. Tell her you feel bad her mom seems to be a continu- ing source of pain for her and that she deserved — and de- serves — better. Getting her to talk about her relationship with her mother — plus ob- serving over a few months how she reacts in tough sit- uations — should help you figure out whether there are any big red flags.
Anger often gets a bum rap, demonized as a “toxic,” “negative” emotion. Aristo- tle knew better, suggesting only fools never get angry (though he didn’t get into the subject of screaming a string
If your girlfriend were this sort of person, wouldn’t you know? One could argue she might be a scary-explo-
As the saying goes: “Love is never having to scream, ‘I will end you! And then bury you in 36 pieces in a shallow grave!’”
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MidWeek’s
Pet Friends Forever
Outlined
PHOTO COURTESY HAWAIIAN HUMANE SOCIETY
TABULA