Page 33 - MidWeek - April 28, 2021

I ’ ve been with my boy- friend for a year, and I love him, but I also
THE SCIENCE ADVICE GODDESS Amy Alkon
Looking For Life Beyond The Fastened Lane
APRIL 28, 2021 MIDWEEK 33
Decide what independence means to you in practical terms, like how much alone time you need and anything else that’s important for you, and tell him ... Are you and he willing to invest the effort? If not, you probably have to swap him out for a partner who’s more emotionally together.
love my independence. I need alone time, meaning space from him and every- body. He wants to spend every minute together and seems to need constant closeness to feel OK. Is this abadsign—onhispart or mine? Should I want to spend every second with him? – Confused
friend’s preference for a more, uh, conjoined style of romantic partnership is shaped by his “attachment style.” “Attachment” is Brit- ish psychiatrist John Bowl- by’s term for a person’s habitual way of relating in close relationships: for example, securely (feeling they can generally count on others to be there for them) or insecurely (suspecting others will bolt on them at any moment).
ample, if infant us shrieked out of fear or hunger or be- cause of a soggy diaper, did our primary caregiver (usu- ally Mommy, but maybe Daddy) reliably come run- ning to soothe us and fix the problem? If so, we’d be likely to develop the psychological orientation that psychologist
Mary Ainsworth, building on Bowlby’s work, called a “secure base from which to explore.”
for how we act in our adult relationships. (Hello, fear of abandonment and boyfriend whose romantic role model seems to be “court-ordered electronic ankle monitor”!)
anything else that’s import- ant for you, and tell him. Research suggests a person can change their attachment style — become more secure —butittakesagoodbitof work on their part and their partner’s (through frequent reassuring attention and cuddly touch to challenge their expectation of aban- donment). Are you and he willing to invest the effort? If not, you probably have to swap him out for a partner who’s more emotionally to- gether:
The sort of relationship where the partners are nev- er apart tends to be a good thing for only one of them: the tapeworm.
Our expectations for how we’ ll be treated by romantic partners appear to be driven by how we, as infants and tots, were treated by our closest caregivers. For ex-
If, however, our shrieks were ignored or only some- times met with comforting, we’d likely end up “inse- curely attached,” and this would become a template
Decide what indepen- dence means to you in prac- tical terms, like how much alone time you need and
“I need you because I love you” — and not “because I feel like a gaping human void without you.”
Chances are your boy-
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PHOTO COURTESY HAWAIIAN HUMANE SOCIETY
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